As the crank turns… tales of life on the rims

Cyclocross Heckling

As most of you have noticed I have had little time to effectively blog. I have missed it to be sure.

I have been busy setting up the computrainer studio I have put in at 11 Jackson St in East Dundee (front section of the Bicycle Garage) - which is operational and ready for indoor racing and classes (most of the classes starting next week are filled). We also played a very active role in the setup and operation of the Woodstock cross race last weekend.

On top of that I got the chance to finally support Mrs. P at the hot chocolate run last Saturday....sleep...highly overrated.

So instead of playing catch-up on old races I thought I would do a preemptive thing. It seems that with my poor shape, but high support level, I have had the opportunit to get out to the cross races early. Very early. Early enough that I was able to heckle the 40+ fields. They are not used to this, but it is enjoyable nonetheless. Over the last few weeks I have taken heckling on as a personal mission. So much so that I thought it appropriate to make this entry a bit of a primer for those who are new to heckling but want to try it, and a bit of a warmup for this 2 day race weekend....

DISCLAIMER: This is heckling. I heckle because I love you guys and gals. You are out there hoofing it on the course - not sitting on your couch watching men play with balls on TV. Therefore please take no offense to any of this and please let me know if you are pictured here and would like it removed. Photo credits are mixed - Bill Draper, Luke Seemann, myself, etc. i give credit where I can remember.

Also - feel free to submit photos to include in future heckle posts.

To start it off let's go to Woodstock:

Poor Bill Barnes - my "cross nemesis" - is tackling the sand. In this situation I would probably notice th guy in front.

"You're that guy who wears the shirt of the band when you go see that band aren't you?" or "how's that visor working out for you?  Is it keeping the 'suck' out of your eyes?"

This brings up a good point.  The best heckles are questions.  Please phrase your heckle in the form of a question for full points.

- as for poor Bill (the xXx rider in the center of the shot) i would probably say the following:

"You're my nemesis...that means you suck.  you might as well hop back on that bike and ride through the sand - it's your only hope at making the highlight reel."

As you may have noticed this was not formed as a question.  It therefore is filled with sting.  I actually like Bill a lot so I would probably take a different tact: "Bill does it really hurt as much as you are making it look like it does?"

OK - where to start.....  Bob Murray in the front:"Bob - come on - we know it's not the wheels slowing you down.  It's hard to hop those barriers with short legs isn't it?"

Thomas Reich - bad Santa right behind him - "We get it!  You're German!"

Lew Chin - dismounting with the white helmet in the back far right - "You're losing to 2 mythical creatures - a fast Beverly Bob and a guy in a black Santa suit!"

Pick the obvious - the focus of attention - "Just EAT IT! You grabbed it now EAT IT! It's not like it's a SLOW - ER pill or something!"

Hmmm...where to start.  To the new heckler this one almost seems too much to take on.  There are too many things that a typical "Road Nazi" would go after - but that's too easy.  You have to dig past the surface - look for the deeper statement you can make about the current state of society.  Something like, "HEY!  Mountain Biking called....they want their WEED BACK!"  This way you are not passing judgement in any way....just pointing out what could be interpreted as an un-biased fact.

Another easy one.  Always look past the foreground to get the entire picture:

"You're about to get beat by a ball punching, self-loathing, pile of Fail....but we like to call him 'Zens'."

With all due respect to Cory - "Jesus called, He wants his burger back! He said you could keep the beard though!"

Woman racing in the 4's....good thing. Therefore we don't want to say anything normally considered mean. Then again the attire is slightly tri-athlete-esc. The easy target is the arm warmers. A comment could be made about how their slow movement has hypnotized the other hecklers, if they are moved fast they actually blend into a new color - we like to call 'grey suck'.....but no....in this case it's better to say something like "HEY! I thought Zebras were supposed to be FAST!" - you can also say "Your bike looks a little surly." - more cerebral meaning you won't see them laugh because they will laugh half way around the next lap.

OK when you see your own teammate in great position you can only say what I am saying here and that is "GOOOOOOOOO!!!!" This is my new favorite picture as well.

Again - don't go for the obvious here. I would go with "NICE WHEELS!"

Trick one - you can go with "WHY AREN't YOU RIDING YOUR NICE WHEELS!" or "DAVE you're just smiling because you haven't broken this frame.....YET!"

I just don't know where to start here. For those that know the back story - this is priceless. When faced with this you simply smile and take a drink.

Easy - regardless of position this one goes into the "I've never seen such an expensive bike go so slow!". I would also accept "A Custom Bike just let's you SUCK in STYLE!"

Easy, "HEY KYLE - CAT 4 Called - they said 3 years of callups is enough!"

Picking on Bill again - "You're all alone....you can cry now Bill!"

"You know why you're smiling? Because you're KATTIE F'n ISERMANN!"

The correct one here is "GO Mike!" but I would also accept "WTF! Did you tattoo shin guards on? this isn't mountain biking!"

"ATTENTION CHICAGO! THIS IS JOE BERENYI. HE KICKS ASS. THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU!"

"Hey! Football called: They want their player back!"

"YES! TAKE A DOLLAR FROM THE FAT MAN! One day you'll be old enough to hand out dollar bills....yo...."

"*cough*SANDBAG*cough*"

"You make breathing look painful!"

So....hopefully you've enjpyed this and you've decided you need to show up early and heckle the old guys tomorrow. Enjoy your cross.