JF (left) and Mrs. P (right) look on to watch the Chuck Norris of cycling (Wayne Simon) hand up $2 Fat Tire during the 4B race

Image By Chris

Chuck Norris doing $2 Fat Tire handups. This is cross.

HUGE thanks go out to SCW, Mr. Kelly, and the fine folks at Indian lakes Resort for the 24 hr party someone called a cyclocross race. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I had. I have basically been dreading doign this write-up because there is just too much to cover and I know no one will read it all the way through. Actually after switching to the new site I can't even tell if anyone is still reading this....if you are - leave a comment!

This course had everything I like in a cyclocross race. If I had been even remotely on form I would have excelled. Alas as my faithful readers know - I had lost my cross mojo earlier this year. Circus atmosphere for the sake of circus-ness, courses that were little more than a test of your brakes and headsets, epic loses to Bob "the Sponge" Murray (aka "Beverly Bob"), and a split up of one of the coolest crews in cross - those of us who suffered like dogs for top 20 placings in 4b's all last year, all led to me no longer feeling the cross love.

As I had predicted earlier in the year though as the year has rolled on the "not so faithful" have begun to drop off. A lot of people that dipped their toes into the baptismal waters of cyclocross have decided that burning they felt meant they were too good to indulge in the mayhem. Sinewy faces I recognized from the road have slowly disappeared - replaced by the slightly more rounded faces of the winter peloton. Guys who wouldn't touch a salad with "full ranch" on it 2 months ago are enjoying an all you can eat cheesecake buffet and handing up bacon, cupcakes, beer and twinkies.

As I mentioned the course was perfect. A ton of wide open hammering. I used every gear I had, and some of them twice. I found a wide sweeper on the backside that let me hammer in the big ring the whole way around and still held perfect traction. It was a big guys paradise....but the skinny guys still won - imagine that. My race was Sooooo uneventful. I hadn't been ont he bike in literally 2 weeks - outside of a powertest at MJH2's the previous Saturday. Mrs. P and I had a date night the night before. Needless to sayI was hung over severely in the morning. I was in a hurry so I got nothing to eat or drink before the race. Ugh. I poured in a poor performance but really got geared up by cross again.

After my race I got a chance to watch Debbie Dust (recent PSIMET wheels "rider") hang a "W" in the women's race - the first cross victory for PSIMET wheels! Congrats Debbie!

Win for Debbie Dust!

Photo: John Wrycza

After attacking the buffet we settled in to watch the 1/2/3 action.  Holy crap - great race.  SRAM Scott has been tearing up everything - this day was no different.  What was exciting was to see Ben Popper and Brian Conant give pursuit.  As a Brian Conant "superfan" (I will for now on consider Conant the Bruce Lee to Simon's Chuck Norris) I felt it my duty to scream "I LOVE YOU BRIAN CONANT!" every time he went past.  I got a few half grins .  What made it better was the fact that this was Brian's 3rd race of the day (that I saw) and he had won the previous 2.  I believe this was Scott and Ben's only race of the day.  Best moment of the day was when Ben and brian came charging into the first sand pit side-by-side both catching some high air as they bunny hopped into it.  Classic.

From there it was time to make the funny.  It was a blast.  I take the whole "don't modify the course" thing to heart so we didn't.....we just kind of leaned on the tape.  Result - bacon alley.  It was right at the perfect spot where just about everyone was running.  The beer, cupcakes, bacon, twinkies, etc....were all flowing.  It was so loud I had a headache before I had even left the event.  My voice has only now begun to recover.

Me screaming at Lenski to get his butt moving....pretty much sums up the day - Photo: Liz Farina Markel

So.....next week.  Cross is coming to a close so I just want to have some fun.  I have already been running and doing a tiny bit of core work.  Maybe I won't totally suck this week.  One of these days someone will convince me to race the 4b's......hmmm......

Little P and Big P - Photo:Alan from xXx

Looks like I have a little something....right.....there... Photo:Nikki Cyp

Sponge Bob....I will get you Spongey! Photo:Not sure...Nikki Cyp(?)

"Whatsamatta Joel!" - Heckle in full effect. Ash trying half-heartedly to give money away in the background. Photo:Nikki Cyp

I let it soak in and decided to take this shot before finally washing the bike last night.

Salad Anyone?

I still believe that anytime you get to ride on closed off streets downtown you should seize the opportunity and make the most of it.

I have been feeling like crap on the bike lately and really wasn't expecting much. I tried to get a warmup in but it was another poor one. When we lined up for the cat 4 race I thought it was just a matter of time before I would pop.

It was fast, but highly manageable. It felt slower than most of the superweek races I "did". For some reason there are a ton of douche-bags in our races that haven't figured 2 things out - 1. You usually don't have to brake in a corner - rather you can actually accelerate in them and 2. That we can use the WHOLE road....even Mayor Daley said it would be OK.

For the most part I have no complaints about how everyone raced. A few guys ran up in that crappy turn lane at the end of the back stretch and it was trying my patience to no end.

We started with 125. Seriously....125 riders in the field. I held on past that point where I have been cracking....just before everyone lets up and I found I was able to race with the group again.

I hung on to the back for most of the race. With 2 to go the elastic snapped and I was OTB. 35 minutes of racing only to be dropped again. SUCK! I rode around and enjoyed the course. I was the tail end of the racers and I place 67th. Crazy when you stop and think, "that was exactly 1/2 way through the starting field."

JF won again. 3 wins in 3 days => cat 3

I said it after I saw him ride for the first time - the only thing that will limit him and how far he goes with cycling is how much time he wants to dedicate to it.

The masters race - well - I wasn't expecting much. I actually tried to stay limber in between races and I think it worked. I started closer to the front and made it a point to keep moving back up to the front. I was feeling WICKED strong and was not running a deficit at all. I saw MJH2 riding well near the front and yelled up, "Matt! Go for a prime!" Turns out he didn't hear me but he had the same idea and slaughtered a $50 prime.

I watched my position, tried to keep drinking, etc. Rode heads up and it paid off. I actually found myself looking for the acceleration I knew would come with 2 to go. I had the juice to follow it and wanted to shred a lot of the guys who were left....so I because the guy I hate. I yelled , from the back mind you, to the front to "light this firecracker!"

It ramped up enough that there was a lot of popcorn getting shelled on the last lap. I took the final corner and knew I could actually get into the sprint. I had more left but the guys were really banging all over and I didn't want a hospital visit. I rolled in 14th.

Not bad out of 75 starters. Something about that was making me think back to reading the race bible for the event...so I checked....yup - I was in the money. $25 but definitely a highlight. That's the first of anything I have ever received while bike racing. It was awesome.

Then to top it off we got to watch Chris Horner and MF in the pro race. I happened to stumble by someone on the way over to talk to MF. He was cool, but that replica kit he was wearing was just SOOOOooooooo cat 5 of him.

Also thought you might enjoy these:

Brad Huff - Jelly Belly - Winner of the Pro/1/2 race.

MF getting a much needed sugar boost

Brad and MF enjoying the fans.

Here's the thing...where else can you step right up to athletes of this caliber and shake their hand and say "nice race" except in a sport like cycling. I been in the living room on more than one occassion screaming like an armchair quarterback at Chris Horner for a few years and today I got to walk right up and get my picture taken with him. That is officially reason #4,297,572,286 why cycling kicks butt.

Something to note about Horner too...he's one of those guys who you can just tell does it because he loves it. How many athletes in the "ball" sports can you say that about?

That same kind of talk kept a lot of people away from the Lansing cyclocross race last fall too. That's just sad. Oh well.

Under the calming blue flash of the light on top of the security camera I parked my car and began the process of pre-race routine - pick up my number, BS with everyone I see, engage in nervous chit-chat, visit the facilities about 5 times, suit up, pre-ride, discuss tactics doomed to failure in the heat of the moment, warm up, tell everyone I suck and am not ready, and then toe the line.

The Sherman Park Crit was a race put on by xXx. That would be the black and white armada of Chicago cycling. Pretty much in every race its usually xXx and everyone else. This being their race, in the city, etc it was fair to guess the fields would be slanted their way in terms of sheer numbers. How does of 50% of the field sound. Yup. *sigh* Thank God there are some pretty cool guys on the team.

Our 5's toe'd the line looking like the crew out of Resevoir DOgs. http://chicagopersonalphoto.smugmug.com/gallery/8527131_zBZDY#563614020_g9Drd-XL-LB

We like to refer to ourselves as the fatest team in Chicago racing.

We watched the 5's rollout and then went to continue warming up. We got back in time to see TQ win in the sprint as I was putting my wheels in the pit. 2 wins and a 2nd in his last 3 races. Nice.

After that we rolled up. This was Joel's first USAC race as a 4. It was him, Riccio and myself. I was feeling VERY strong. Haven't been that confident in a while. As we were lined up we got a safety lecture in typical xXx fashion. It was a memorial race as well so we all took a moment of silence. I remember reading about the guy it was for when he died at Matteson last year. I took that time to think about my coworker who was killed while riding a few years back. That's when the rain started falling.

Fast, flat, no-corner crit protected from most of the wind....and it's raining...you KNEW there was going to be a wreck. We started out pretty gingerly. Nothing major. The pace of the race was really fairly easy for most of it but it became a race of position. As water started to pool and rooster tails started throwing sand and mud on you each lap got a little more dicey, a little colder, and a little faster.

I found I kept getting boxed in on the inside. I was always on someone's wheel when they popped and started floating back. It sucked. I had the juice but couldn't turn it loose. A couple of times I thought of attacking just so I could ride at my pace, but I knew that was suicide on this course.

I saw Joel wanting to jump on a few moves. I told him before the race to sit in. Nothing was going to get away. He knew that already but his instinct is to pounce. I yelled his name once when I saw him move for the kill and he sat up. The move came back a few seconds later too. I don't really like giving Joel advice much anymore because only he knows what he can and can't do...and right now there isn't much he can't do. I just get frustrated when I see him waste energy he doesn't need to waste...and yet it hasn't affected his riding yet.

Due to poor positioning I was always about 5 riders behind Joel. Riccio was always behind or next to me as well. I saw Joel sit up and start coasting back. As soon as the rain started to really dump on us the flats started. Joel had one. I floated back with him to talk to him. He looked ready to throw in the towell. I told him to get to the pit, take a lap and use my wheels - I brought them for the team. I said I would pace him back up....

....yeah....fog of race there. It took me a bit to realize that with a free lap he didn't need pacing back up. Now I was OTB for no good reason. Ooops. I quickly chased back on and was fine. I yelled to our guys in the crowd that Joel had a flat in hopes they would watch over him in the pit and yell advice if he needed it.

Next thing I knew he was back in the mix. Mission accomplished.

After that I found that I was getting covered in sand. Especially in my eyes. It was horrible. I couldn't see crap. At times your were riding by feel. You could sense where the other riders were and just tried to maintain your position with respect to them. We could have ridden off the course and into the lake and no one would have stopped it. The yelling slowed as everyone got colder and more miserable.

I got sick of my position and finally got a couple of good looks outside as the pace finally picked up. I used it as an opportunity to ride to the front. I would get on Joel's wheel and then next thing you know I would be back in the middle of the pack again. Suck.

I finally heard "2 to go" as we came over the line. Up to then I couldn't see the cards - wasn't looking honestly - and couldn't see my timer. i was shocked that was all we had left. I had the gas so now I was looking for position. I didn't want to push anything in these conditions so I was kind of waiting for some opportunities.

As we came around - heading towards the line to take the bell it happened. It was a chain reaction. Two guys pinched each other out. They hit and the sound of them hitting set it off. It was like everyone was waiting for the wreck to happen so when they heard it they freaked, hit the breaks, and all hell broke loose.

I have found that when I get into these situations I have this weird sixth sense that allows me to get through. I don't think much about it my body just does stuff. I made it all the way through everything - and it was ugly. I was thinking I was going over the bars for sure. I was just about clear when a rider on the ground slid into my line. I rode up and over the bike t-boning his chainring with my front tire. *PSSSSSsssssss*!! SUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKK!

I was out for sure. No injuries - for that I was happy. I surveyed the mass of bodies on the deck. The yelling, swearing, walking wounded, bike throwing, etc. I almost wanted to laugh at how serious some of us cat 4's take this stuff. It's bike racing. I yelled, "everyone who can get up - do it and get off the course. they'll be coming through again. Fast." I then thought I could get back into it because I had wheels in the pit. I rode my flat clincher (don't ask) all the way back. Before hitting the pit I realized that on the bell lap that pit was going to be closed. Oh well. Turns out joel had taken my front wheel anyway.

"Is the wheel pit still open?"

"Sunnuva..." - check out the flat front...

Riccio came in after me. Covered in head to toe in mulch and mud. he looked like he had just stepped out of Paris-Roubaix. Turns out he went cyclocrossing and was clear until the last second when someone smacked him at full speed from behind. Then he hit a tree. Ouch.

We were able to watch the end from the pit. We looked up in time to see Joel outsprint Slim_77 for the win. NIIIIIIiiice. Joel won't be long for the 4's. I told him when he started he was only going to be limited by the time he was able to put into this sport. I still stand by that.

So....we won both of the first races. I was registered for the Masters but honestly I felt like I had already pressed my luck and torn up enough equipment. I was anxious to head home and kiss the family. The two winners hit the town and lit up my phone with drunk text messages all night. You lightweights.

Still....we're the working man's team. The fatest team in Chicago racing. ...can't wait until cross.

-pictures from Mark Keller

ANYWAY...instead of going back to cover everything I missed let me just say Joel has done well lately. 2nd at monsters, 4th at wheels on willy, won all 3 races at Matteson, and took second at Wonder Lake. He finally was upgraded as well.

Bryan won in the 5's at the Masters Weekend races. We also took 1st in the 40+. Wonder Lake was a boatload of 'meh' for me. I did something like 16th in the cat 4 race and then I flatted in the 4/5 race. Got back in with Joel's wheel but it was a 9 speed. Shifting was OK for most of the gears except the last couple meaning I couldn't sprint. I got 26th of something like that.

I only rode on Tuesday this week. I rode pretty easy too. I have been putting weight back on - rather fat back on. I am the same weight but not working out in the gym and not running has left my form pretty weak. I decided I have been racing pretty solid though and that I should be able to do something today as long as I made myself be aggressive.

So...I got to Winfield late. Got registered and dressed and on the trainer for about 15-20 minutes of warmup. Most I think I have ever done. Wilke set me up with a video camera on my bike to record the race. I didn't pre-ride the course. Always a mistake, but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal this time.

I got to watch Tim win the 5's race. That's another podium for Bicycle Heaven. it's getting crazy. I am the weak link now for sure. We actually had 5 guys in the 4's race. It was a shock. I was finally not racing alone.

Right off the start I got a jump. Again. Never mean to but just end up in front. I held back enough to end up on RR's wheel. Next thing I know we were on a "hill". I heard there was one on the course. RR nailed it. I followed. That hill was long. A lot longer than I thought it was. I opened my bank account and drained it on that first lap without even realizing it.

The downhill was awesome fast. My kind of fast. Corners at 27-30mph. Hells yes.

RR and I were done on the second lap - on the hill. From there we were dropped and just riding around. Everyone was serious fast right off the bat. It took me about 1/2 of the race before I started to get into a groove. At that point I started picking people up.

Wanna know what it felt like? Check this out:

Picture from J-Dub at peloton-pix

That one is going on the mantle.

Sad race for me. I got lapped. That hasn't happend since last year. Don't know what the deal was. Everyone exploded though. It was like everyone went the speed of a normal Chicago style crit but they put some sort of Wisconsin hill in there and we were too stupid to slow down on it like the cheeseheads do.

They placed me 26th or something - getting me confused in the finish I think. meh. Tomorrow is more of the same. Different course. My body does better after a beating. I think I have more in me. We'll see.

After the race the family took in a Cougars game. My father-in-law's business has been doing well and he got a luxury box to share with the whole family and company. Little P enjoyed the show.

Then Joel pointed out that there was a crit in Wisconsin on Saturday. That started with, "no I am spending time with little P.", moved to "he and I can go up there with you guys and cheer you on", to "OK so if someone watches little P I can race the first race but that means we'll have to leave at 5:30am."

Yeah. Father of the year....right here.

Matt, Riccio and I rolled out of my house at 5:40ish with little P along for comic relief. The trip was long and we just barely made it there in time to register, gear up and put in two laps for "warmup". The course had what those cheeseheads call "hills". There was about 100 ft of climbing per lap. The grades weren't steep but they got to you after a while.

It was raining and FREEZING. I came up there with shorts and mostly summer gear. I had thin socks and no toe covers. No long finger glooves, etc. It sucked. I was freezing and soaking wett within a few minutes.

In general the race was really slow but grinding. There was only really one corner and it could have been taken at speed but there was standing water in the middle of it. Everyone took it slow and then accelerated out of the corner then into the hill. It got old quick.

I feel like I have chest congestion - let's face it Mrs. P has been exposed to all sorts of stuff including swine flu (I am sure) at work. I am feeling the effects of something. The cold and wet conditions didn't help. I ended up coming unhooked on the last lap. I struggled back up and finished on the back of the pack for 20th place out of 25. Boo, but I'll take it. I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to race until I pinned my number on.

Can't see it too well in that pic, but we and the bikes were just coated with sand and crap.

After that Matt raced the 3/4 masters. I Opted out of this one. I was beat and really not feeling it. That and I didn't want to wait around in soaking wet clothes for an hour between races.

Matt looked like he was done about half way through the race but ended up finding something inside to keep going. He said the race was much smoother and faster than the first one. He did great and tied for 17th.

After that Joel showed up. The last race of the day was the one that Riccio, Joel and Matt were doing. We went out in full spandex wonder to a local hole int he wall diner for lunch. Matt talked Joel into trying the Chedderwurst - Ugh.

Back in time for these guys to warm up and get ready to race. Joel held his own. There were a couple of early attacks and just like a dog looking to run outside through a screen door he went after them. He got into one only 16 minutes into the race. It was a 45 minute hilly crit. Too early.

They got caught a couple of laps later. I started yelling at him every lap. Nothing very helpful but stuff like, "great position", "too early", "3 laps left - follow your gut", etc...

He ended up sprinting in the end and his position wasn't great but he had an open line to the finish. He was hurting. He has a dead elvis face. Saw it this race for the first time really. I started yelling and he came up with some more kick. He ended up in 2nd place. Nice.

....time for an upgrade.

Before the race.

Joel's dead elvis.

Little P having a blast. "I wanna watch the bike race!!!"

OK I tried to start this report like 10 times. Honestly I think I was intimidated by the sheer number of pictures I have to post. Lots of coding. So....this is Vernon Hills 2009.

Enough said. No seriously....there is more but that's the just of what happened that day. Bicycle Heaven came out with a decent sized group finally. All sorts of jokers. MJH2, RR, RA, JAnd, JF, BF, etc....OK time to ditch the abbreviations. Time for real names. Ugh. Sorry guys.

We had a crew for sure. A mix of 4's and 5's. The first target was the cat 5 race. We had Joel, Bryan, Ryan, Don and Justin all set to roll. I don't think anyone was expecting much except for Joel. Justin and Bryan went OTB pretty early on. What sucked is that they both got faster as they went throughout the race. Key sign that the warmup wasn't hard enough.

Matt, Rob and I all felt like proud papas on the sidelines, yelling advise at every opportunity regardless of how good it was. Our main concern was trying to make sure Joel didn't go too early. Funny I am sure he's had that same concern his whole life....

....sorry watching a Meg Ryan film. They affect me.

ANYWAY...we kept yelling at him to take it easy. He kept wanting to chase everything like a hungry dog staring at a pile of discarded dinner bones. "Joel! Get off the front! WAIT!" we yelled time and time again. The whole time we had Bryan early on and then Ryan trying to mark and chase some guys that I had pointed out beforehand. As a result they were fried coming into the final laps. A ,istake on our part, but not to worry.

So with 3 laps left they announce a prime. This is a common tactic in cat 5 races to call a prime with a few laps left. What it does is it causes they fast guys to go earlier than they would have and it strings everyone else out. net result is that there are fewer cat 5's sprinting and presumably it is a safer sprint in the end. It wasn't until after they were past that it dawned on us that Joel would have no idea what a prime was.

This means that all Joel would see would be a guy going off the front as they came around again. He would no doubt chase for sure. Then he'd be stuck out in front in the wind and slowly wilt. Yeah right....

Well when the pack came around there was a tri-chi rider off the front going for the priime and....Joel right behind him. We yelled at him to hold up as he went by. really all that did was confuse him. As they crossed the line the guy in front slowed up (having won the prime) and Joel looked around like "WTF??!" He was trying to figure out who was going to work with him.

It took the better part of a quarter lap before he realized he had a gap and should do it alone. He had to hold the pack off for 2 laps. In a harsh Chicago wind (that's hurricane wind in other places). When he came by the first time he had opened up a gap.

Impressive.

As he came around again he emerged from the lapped traffic with a defiant fist pump. The whole time all I could think was, "don't take your hands off the bars or they'll disqualify you!" Somehow he sensed it and made it a 1 handed victory.

OK, OK...then on to the 4/5 Masters race. We got an opportunity to work for Jason. It's just what Matt and I needed. Matt worked his ass off early on and was in good position when they called a prime. He couldn't resist. He looked back and asked me if I was feeling like I could go. I said yes. He said, "Good....go" and then took off. He knew I knew he meant after the prime. He went for it. He won it.

After he took it I moved to the front and put some work in. Looking at my lap times from the Garmin after the fact I pulled the pace up 2mph to 26mph. It was working well and Jason was tucked in nicely.

Then on the second to last corner where people had been getting pinched (FWIW I was bumped and hit about 4 or 5 times throughout the race. One time I actually get a "NICE SAVE!") the guy on the inside of me came out. I went out in response. The whole time everyone behind me was yelling but there was nowhere for me to go. It sucked. I could hear them pile into the curb behind me. I looked quickly once I was free and saw a guy had jumped the curb. Yuck.

I had to sprint to get back on the back of the front pack and burned up enough that I had no real kick for the end. I did what I could. They placed me 12th but it was more like 18th. The starting field was close to 75 so I took it as a victory.

We put Jason on the 30+ podium in 3rd.

After that we hung around for the rest of the day to see the pro/1/2 field. Ara, Rob, and Rich took the P/1/2 race. It was a blast watching them. Puts it all into perspective.

Now for the pictures:

Many pictures from www.180pics.com

It's me standing in for JF in 2nd place on the podium at Hillsboro Roubaix. Only podium I will ever see. Thanks JF for missing it. It was pretty cool.

I'm on the right edge of this video. MJH2 is 435 looking off to see JF (red glasses) on the side of the road...

Cat 4 rollout. See how good of a start I get?

With the recent job situation being what it is I had done some bike work on MJH2's bike after the wreck leading JF out during Kenosha to help cover the room cost for the Hillsboro trip. I drove starship Psimet down there with MJH2 on board.

My mother grew up in a little town near Hillsboro (Piasa) so I am fairly familiar with the area (MJH2 and I pulled the Model A out of a barn near there in Jan.). We got down there early enough to register on Friday and pre-ride the course. First impression....holy crap these roads are narrow. Centerline rule??!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

We got to pre-ride the course with Marc Moeller (cat 2) of Northbranch and Rob Kelley (cat 1) on our team. They spent a lot of time pointing out some of the courses highlights. The pre-ride was extremely valuable, but in the end I think that I spent too much energy doing it.

In general they ran the registration of the race beautifully. It took all of about 5 seconds to register and get my number. We went into town after we registered and had a wonderful meal at a converted church. JF made it into town and met up with us. I told myself I was sticking to water, but with the festive atmosphere and some nice looking Hacker Pschorr I quickly found myself indulging.

It was a total bike racing trip - 3 of us crashing in the room. It was MJH2's room and JF wasn't about to sleep on the floor so he and I ended up sharing a bed. I slept OK so he must be pretty good at spooning.

When I woke up I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Almost like I had a hangover even though I hardly drank anything. I think it was just dehydration. That's bad before a bike race.

We headed over to a Denny's for breakfast - pancakes and a couple of eggs before heading over to the start. There were so many cyclists milling around the local hotels and haunts. Everyone was sizing everyone else up. It quickly became apparant that the riders here meant business....and that we were the fatest ones in town.

Once at the start we got pinned up, geared up and started milling around. We pre-rode the hills a couple of times to get the blood flowing. The air was thick with the scent of chamois cream, nerves and a hint of nuts - most likely due to the immense amount of shelling that was about to occur.

The staging was a nightmare....for everyone else but us. They lined everyone up together in the street. That meant we stuck our noses up on the end of the P/1/2 field which was going off first so that we would be in front when the 4;s were eventually called up. It woked beautifully and we ended up where we usually are - up front in the middle.

I had that sick tension in me just before the start. At that moment I wanted to do anything else other than race a bike - especially if it meant I was going to be able to go pee.....I ha to go sooooooo bad. Before we knew it "ridersreadyGO!" and we were off.

I was able to get into my pedals and was in the first 5-6 guys on the front. The field for the 4's was 100 deep. Seriously. These roads were narrower than some of the freshman men only dorm rooms we had at Purdue and there was a centerline rule. It was definitely an example of 10 pounds of poop in a 5 pound bag.

There was idle chit chat and some touching and bumping as we went - to be expected. I was able to work my position fairly well and stayed up in the first 10 guys for the majority of the first lap (22 miles). There were some highlights - like one of the local guys from the Christian based club/team who went on a hate filled tirade that if I recall correctly included some choice 4 letter words. He was hopping mad that someone passd him on the right...when the there was definitely room to do so. Really I think he was just PO'd because he was popping and starting to get shelled.He didn't stick around long enough for us to find out for sure.

The wind became a factor in the last few miles of the first lap. I found myself on the wind side of the crosswind and really worked hard to maintain position. I just couldn't get into anyone's draft and out of the wind. The whole time I was just hemoraging energy.

As we turned into the wind to go into town and hit the first of the three successive climbs I decided I needed to conserve energy and spin up it in the small ring. Whoa...wrong choice. It was like I hit reverse. Everyone else pounded it on that hill and I found I over-reved like a poorly driven import race car and popped my motor. I sat up and knew my day was done instantly. It sucked.

As I was sliding back through the pack I started to get an idea for how far up I had truly been and how big the field really was. It was disgustingly huge. As I viewed the back of the pack and the carnage that was spent racers flying off the back with me I experienced a strange moment of "WTF"...I had to get back on.

So on the next downhill I latched on to the back of another rider off the back and drew myself back into the field(see the video of me doing just that in the previous post). Once there we hit the feed zone hill which made me limit out again and then we hit the big climb in town. I had nothing. As I climbed on in shame I saw a supporter along the side of the road with a Beverly Bike jersey on and yelled, "Hey! Don't tell Bob from Beverly that I popped like this!"

It was there that I started pondering cutting the race short and only doing 1 lap. Then I remembered that I didn't have a vagina. I drove down there and had the whole day...I was finishing the course.

Soon after the start/finish line and the start of the second lap I ended up with a group of guys that got shelled as well. It was like the island of misfit toys. The group was filled with big guys and I felt like we were all members of some weight loss challenge gone horribly wrong.

Don't know how many of you have raced with xXx riders, but if you've done much of it you know what they can be like. There was one in the mix and he decided that it was his duty to become self appointed ride leader and educator. I'm surprised the sound of my eyes rolling didn't drown out his instructions to the other riders in the group about how to ride in a paceline with a cross wind.

Of particular annoyance was the group's tendancy to want to ride slowly until I would end up going to the front and picking up the pace - then they would punch it as I pulled off. Total rookie moves and totally annoying. I also felt at times like I was the only one who remembered it was still a race - not a Sunday ride.

As we came rolling into town for our second time I looked up and saw MJH2 languishing in front of us in no-man's land just suffering in the wind. I watched him kill himself for a long time as we slowly pulled him in. I couldn't bear to see it anymore and went to the front to bridge up to him. I got a snyde "you don't chase your teammate" comment from the peanut gallery but could only think of 2 things - 1 - we were racing for what had to be 60-something place...so who cares, and 2 - MJH2 was much better company than the guys in that group for sure.

Sure enough as I got to him we started talking and the others decided to attack. All I could do was laugh inside. Up the final climb we saw a rider at the side of the hill stopped no doubt because of cramping. MJH2 made a quick "I feel your pain buddy" kind of joke and then locked up solid. Seriously. I have never seen anyone lock out their legs with cramps like that before. I continued...though about stopping but didn't....realized I was going to beat MJH2 - which is always something that makes the little psimet voice inside me happy. Then I felt bad for feeling happy so I felt the need to try to motivate him as I rode away. I yelled something about being able to smell his female body parts. He didn't find it amusing.

Then I bombed the brick section to roll across the line in a 1-man sprint for 66th place. The suck was strong with me that day.

After that I changed, ate and awated the arrival of the rest of our teammates. Turns out JF placed 2nd in the cat 5 race in a breakaway they stuck from 5 miles in. That boy is going places I tell you. He was in the feed zone passing bottles to our 1/2 racers who were putting in 88 miles of hatred.

The organizers kept calling for JF over the PA when I realized they wanted to do a podium shot. I tried to call JF and wasn't able to get him so I started making my way over to the podium to tell the presenters where JF was. As I approached they were putting some guy who was standing near there in JF's spot as a stand in. I ran up saying JF was in the feedzone and wouldn't be able to make it. They asked if I was on his team. I said yes....so they asked me to stand in.

So.....I was on the podium. 2nd place. Cat 5. Probably the only podium shot I will ever get. It was fun. Thanks JF.

Our 1/2 guys did well. Kelley came in 20-something with the pack. JD soon after. Ara came in a little after that. He talked to us a bit and then went to sit in his car. I heard Brian Conant ask Ara if he was OK. I went over to ask him the same and he brushed me off saying he'd be alright in a minute.

We left and hit the road. Called Ara to see if he wanted to join us for dinner on the road and found out that Conant had to call the ambulance on Ara because of his level of dehydration. He ended up coming through with observation and ended up OK but he really pushed his luck on that one. The day was deceivingly set up for hydration problems.

A big thanks goes out to Brian Conant for his keen eye and quick reaction to Ara's condition. Thanks my man! And I get the half-wheeler award of shame for leaving without finding out if Ara was truly OK.

So....long story short. I'm still fat and slow although skinnier and much faster than last year. I have also realized that I will always be too fat for this sport.